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Okay, okay, you’re the presumptive nominee at this point. But you didn’t carry any southern states on Super Tuesday, and that should be of grave concern to you. Unless you plan to make a concerted, good-faith effort to reverse that trend, your presidential candidacy is practically stillborn.

Well, Sen. McCain, your One and Only, Favorite, Friendly Neighborhood MonT-SteR™ is here to help with sage advice that, if followed, will go a long way toward securing not only the conservative South, but dyed-in-the-wool conservatives nationwide that are prone to casting a jaundiced eye your way. You do realize you can’t win the general election without them, right? Yes?

Okay, well, here we go anyway:

  1. Start by calling a spade a spade and admit that McCain-Feingold was nothing short of a direct assault on the First Amendment. Call it whatever you want — unintended consequences, good intentions gone awry, stuff like that. But make sure you acknowledge that it had the effect of bastardizing the Constitution. Tell us that, as an aspirant to the Oval Office, you understand that one cannot defend and protect the Constitution while approving ill-conceived legislation that abrogates one of its most sacred tenets. You can shed a tear as you say these things, so as to at least appear repentant. But say it was a mistake, vow to never again engage in such folly, and we might consider throwing in behind you.
  2. Renounce forever the insanity of McCain-Kennedy in all its forms and permutations. Repeat the following mantra as your own: “No amnesty. No amnesty. No amnesty.” Apologize for trying to co-author and push an amnesty bill through Congress, all the while insulting our intelligence by insisting that it wasn’t really an amnesty bill (please, Sen. McCain, we aren’t as stupid as you presume). In addition, state unequivocally that the very foundation of an illegal immigrant’s presence in our country is law-breaking, and that we will not tolerate such blatant flouting of our laws. At the very least, we will not reward it with citizenship, entitlement programs, and in-state college tuition rates. Tell us that you will secure the borders as promised, and further promise to craft an enforcement-based solution to our illegal immigration problem. Then, we might consider throwing in behind you.
  3. Read our lips. No higher taxes. For anybody. We’re tired of listening to politicians tell us the government can’t do with less, so we have to. Don’t dare say anything like that. The government is a bloated, cumbersome, EXPENSIVE bureaucratic monster. Surely, SOMEWHERE in those trillions of dollars, SOMEBODY can cut SOMETHING. Pledge to make Bush’s tax cuts permanent AND cut government spending, and tell anyone who whines that it can’t be done to stifle it or go cry in their pillows. Do that, and we might consider throwing in behind you.
  4. Admit that you have deliberately acted as a thorn in the side of the GOP by playing footsie with Democrats. This you must cease at once and promise never to do again. We appreciate bipartisanship when practicable, but not when it flies in the face of core conservative principles or the constitutional practice of government — and certainly not just because it satisfies any surly, duplicitous fit that comes upon you in the moment. We were deeply alienated when you joined the Gang of Fourteen to prevent Republicans from ending the Democrats’ unconstitutional abuse of the filibuster against President Bush’s judicial nominees. Renounce such betrayals in perpetuity, and we might throw in behind you.

These items will get you off to a good start. If you want to be safe rather than sorry, you might also give serious thought to backing away from all the man-made climate change twaddle at your earliest convenience.

Remember, Sen. McCain, that The MonT-SteR is always here to help — and maybe to vote for you come November.

We’ll see…


Robert Monti
aka The MonT-SteR